This is a list of seven topics (provided by lillibet) that I will discuss and link to from this entry:





- Fish
- Lipstick
- Role Model
- Desk
- Spring
- Pain
- Postcards

I can't promise that I will write about all of them (it took me weeks to finish writing about the first one), but I will give it a shot. And if you'd like a set of topics for yourself, let me know in the comments.

So, I totally failed at the Ras Na hEireann.

Well, I guess I didn't totally fail, since I did finish it. My final time was 41 minutes.

The first bit was strangely hard. I had forgotten this, but that entire stretch from Davis to Teele is a gradual incline. As soon as the turf flattened out, I felt fine--though I did seem to be going slower than I wanted. I wore a sweatshirt because when I left the house (a half hour before the race started), it was only 45 degrees. By the time we hit mile marker 1 on Powderhouse Blvd, it had to have been 60-something and I was already dying of overheatedness. I was also thirsty, and gasping for breath in a way that happens when I am really pushing myself--except I wasn't really pushing myself. What I think happened was this:

1) I haven't quite figured out how to balance the Whole30/paleo diet with working out. I ate a large portion of stir fry the evening before the race, but then stayed up quite late, eating nothing the rest of the night (but cheating and having a glass of wine--it was St. Paddy's Day after all!) I only ate an apple before the race because I sometimes get nauseated and wretchy when I run.

2) I did not have enough water the day before the race, or the morning before the race.

3) I have not been running, much. I ran on Friday night--about 5 miles total, and 3 miles of that on a steady 12 min/mile pace!--but it was on a treadmill and that just isn't the same. I ran my usual 3 mile out and back maybe 3 times in the 2 weeks before the race.

Even so, I should not have been having this much trouble this early in a run. I already felt somewhat defeated when I suddenly felt like there was something caught in my throat, which triggered a spastic coughing attack.

A thing that happens to me: late in high school I noticed that if my throat was irritated in a specific way, I would lapse into a wild coughing fit--violent, insuppressible coughing mixed with restricted breathing and gasping, watering eyes, running nose, drooling, and abject mortification. When other people witness this, they get very nervous because it looks like I can't breathe (but I can! I just can't stop coughing...) Chalk dust, spicy foods, swallowing something the wrong way, talking too much, or just having a dry throat can, but don't always, incur an attack. I have noticed that these attacks are more inclined to happen if I am stressed out or upset or nervous. One of the worst attacks happened when I broke down on the way back from NYC and was stranded 300 miles from home in Stanford CT, and the Ford dealership told me my transmission would have to be replaced and that it would take several days. I couldn't even speak to the guy, I had to run to the bathroom where I just coughed and coughed for a half an hour. So embarrassing. And then it happened again, TWICE when recalling the whole ordeal to some friends and then to some coworkers. I suspect that it is an asthma-type thing, but it happens rarely, and I've never felt that I have been in serious danger of not being able to breathe, so I have never asked a doctor about it. Well, that and lack of doctor and insurance.

So mid-race, I felt one of these attacks coming on. I stopped running and stood on the side of the road, willing the fit to go away. It did--I only coughed for a few seconds and recovered pretty easily. But after that I had the constant sensation of something being stuck in my throat, of not being able to breathe properly, and that another coughing fit was imminent (this feeling actually lasted all day, which has never happened before). So I walked for nearly a mile in the middle of the race. There was a water stop at mile marker 2, so I had water hoping it would help, but it didn't really. I forced myself to run the last mile, even though I was very worried about having another coughing fit.

So, yeah. I finished, but I didn't come close to my realistic goal of 36 minutes, and my reach goal of 33 minutes now seems utterly ridiculous.

I think I will make an appointment and ask my doctor about the coughing thing (now that I have a doctor). Some quick internet research tells me that I might have cough-variant asthma (if I remember correctly, my mother also has this).

And I think I am going to try to train for the RunGloucester 7-miler in August. That is a fun, but difficult race--the course is beautiful, and the Gloucestrian spectators are amazingly cheerful and supportive... but the hills, the hills! *stares wild-eyed into the middle distance* Training for that race will encourage me to do more (any) hill work, and hopefully I'll increase my speed a bit, too.

I wanted to write a bit about how I feel like my weight is spiraling out of control and I have no motivation to do anything about it, but I've been kind of sick, lately, and I know exercise would make me feel better, and healthier, but I have no motivation, but I NEED to motivate myself, but I have no motivation to motivate myself and blah blah blah. It's all been said. The redux is: I want to start an exercise regimen over the winter, and I eventually want to run a half marathon. I'm going to need to join a gym.


Yesterday, I finally took advantage of the "new employee" free pass to the Marino Center (Northeastern's gym) to test it out to see if I'd like to join. I made a pros and cons list:

PROS:

-- It's $165 for the rest of the year (until Sept 1st 2012), taken directly out of my paycheck (10 pay periods @ $16.50). I will barely notice paying for it. Also, I will get $150 back from my health insurance provider (but I'd get that with any gym).
-- It's at work. There is this magical (and small) window of time right after I get out of work where I feel genuinely gung-ho about doing things (especially exercising). By the time I actually get home--that moment is gone, and it actually takes a serious burst of willpower to leave the house again. The gym at work will allow me to capitalize on that magical moment, AND it will be more efficient. And I would have the option of working out during my lunch hour, but I would first have to get over my fear of semi-public nakedness and showering in unfamiliar places.
-- The machines are plentiful and new and well maintained
-- The place was only moderately full at 5:30pm, and practically empty by 7pm.
-- The dressing rooms and showers seem clean.
-- There is a sauna and a track and pool (though the pool is in a different building) and free towels.
-- They have personal trainers... and they appear to be free for all members. That can't be right, can it? (if you want to parse it yourself: http://www.campusrec.neu.edu/personaltraining/
-- They have a variety of basic fitness classes, also free, but I think you have to register for them for the entire semester (and no drop ins)
-- They have special classes that cost a "nominal" fee that include ridiculously awesome things like Capoeira, Irish Dancing (yay!) Tae Kwon Do, and Bollywood Dancing. I'm kind of speechless. (If they would ever offer fencing, I would officially swoon).

CONS:

-- I would have to commit to a specific length of time. I'm soured on contract memberships since the Bally's debacle (I paid $50/month for 3 years for a gym that was always packed, had shoddy equipment, and was in ill repair... and I resent them even though I knew I was signing a 3-year contract and it was really my own damn fault).
-- I mean I expected this because it's on a large college campus and all, but the gym is ENTIRELY full of college athletes. I mean, young, strong, trained, division I athletes. Elites. You guys, it was so intimidating just being there, and I felt so self-conscious and awkward! (Although they all totally ignored me which is... nice?) I can get over this, but it does kind of preclude me from making new friends at the gym. Not that that has ever happened to me, but I guess it could have.
-- I would have to go across the river to go to the gym on non-work days.
-- There are no TVs. There is a nice view of Huntington Ave to gaze at.

Looking at this list, the pros outweigh the cons. But I think I will see if I can join Roommate Emilie at the Golds Gym in Somerville to see if I'd like that one (which is open 24 hours, apparently). It would be nice to go to a gym WITH someone from time to time, for moral support and that ever elusive motivation. But could I give up Irish Dancing and Yoga classes for it?

It would seem that I am not so good at acting.

I used to love acting. I mean nothing, nothing, made me feel as excited or happy or fulfilled as being ( on stage )

After clawing myself out of a weird and depressing dream, this morning, I laid awake for a few minutes trying to will the residual sense of despair away. I got up (late) and decided to check my e-mail. I found a terse announcement from UMass that ( I had been denied admittance to their MFA program. )

( 2010 was a roller coaster ride: )

All in all, 2010 was eventful--and that is good! My biggest dread and fear in life is stagnation, and I was completely successful at being stirred up, at least. I do also feel beat up, unfortunately. On the roller coaster of 2011 I think I would like to experience more climbs to higher highs, twists and loops are fine, but please, dear God please, can I have fewer (or shallower) plummets?

From a very early age I have had this proclivity of tying my identity into the music I listen to. Music has always been enormously important to me, even representative of me, and it speaks to me in a completely visceral way that I can't explain. But it concerns me that I am basing myself on the creativity of others--( I'm a follower, even though all I have ever wanted to be is a creator. )

I feel woeful today, so I thought a post might alleviate some of that.

( Let me catch you up: )

It's amazing how I went from three months of being so bored and depressed that I fell into a sluggish stupor where I just continuously watched episode after episode of Doctor Who--to suddenly being too busy to socialize. I've had to bail on too many fun things lately; birthdays, movies, bowling, Superbowl parties... I apologize if it seems that I am ignoring you lovely people, I don't mean to.

So, what is going on that has me so busy?

1) I picked up a temp job. I am working as an admin assistant at Northeastern University's College of Engineering. I have been training for the past two weeks, and I think I like it. I am still very nervous about some aspects of the job--I'm never sure when I should consult my boss first, and when I should just do things on my own. And I've never really done event planning before, and I'm terrified I will forget something huge, one day, and no one will have, like, forks, or something.

I feel I should mention that I do not have magical job-finding-powers--I got this job because it was handed to me. My predecessor is a good friend of mine, and when she found a better job elsewhere, she specifically asked if she could bring me aboard as a temp. And because they don't want to deal with hiring a new person right now, they agreed. I did have an interview, but it was god-awful. Training by fire seems to be working much better for me (I had to run a big event on my own, because my friend was horribly sick).

2) I just started my classes at The Extension School. The graduate research and writing methods class is going to kick my ass. In fact, it has already started: I routinely go to bed at 1am because of all the blasted reading that I have to do (which I NEVER retain, what is the point??) We had a preliminary, in-class, surprise writing assignment (so the Prof. could gauge our initial writing abilities). Dr. Bishop has requested a meeting with me, in regards to my assignment, and I am terrified she is going to tell me that I am not cut out for grad school. This just can't be true! I'm a good writer!! It was totally extemporaneous, and I doubt it was good (in fact, I wrote it backwards--It is my process to write out my reactions and thoughts before I can come up with a solid thesis-like opinion. There was no time for editing or rewriting.) But why else would she need to speak to me? I will find out on Thursday.

I'm also taking, for no credit, the American Repertory Theater case study class. I was really excited about this class, and I really want to love it, but so far... meh. I just don't particularly dig classic American theater, and that is the theme of the ART's season this year. I have already seen all of Gatz (7 hours long, it is the text of The Great Gatsby in it's entirety) and The Stairs to the Roof (a little-known Tennessee Williams play). I loved the idea of putting The Great Gatsby onstage, the language is articulate, concise, and witty, and I admired The Elevator Repair Service's vigilance to their vision... But, it is still 7 hours long. And I was still totally bored for nearly all of the exposition. Stairs to the Roof, on the other hand--I severely disliked parts of the script, but I loved the ART Institute's low-budget and experimental/stylized approach to staging it. It was right up my alley.

3) I am directing a staged reading for Theater@First! Auditions are in a week! The show is Will Eno's "Tragedy: A Tragedy". It definitely has a postmodern edge to it; someone referred to it as "Beckett-lite", so, you know, I love it. My directing skills are very rusty, just now. Mistakes will be made... But I have an excellent support system at this theater, so I'm not too worried. Yet. Check back with me in a week, and I might be freaking out.